Friday, December 24, 2010

WHAT I DON'T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

"Oh Ho, I didn't see you come in. SantaSquatch here, just making some last minute preparations for BM-Xmas tomorrow.  This year I reached out to some of the good girls and boys that are friends of SantaSquatch to make sure they got exactly what they wanted under their trees. I know they all want what any little sasquatch wants (headless caribou carcass and a hollowed out redwood tree flute) but I wanted to make sure they didn't receive anything they hated. Below, you will find the "WHAT I DON'T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS LIST" of a few sasquatches. Enjoy. Oh and the views expressed below do not necessarily reflect the views of SantaSquatch. Sasquatch love Mike Spinner ;)"
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Dear Sasquatch,
This Christmas, I most certainly do not want Matt Beringer's turndowns. Receiving his hairline last year constitutes a lump of coal large enough to atone for a lifetime's worth of naughtiness. Thanks.
-Brandon York

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This video immediately came to mind... I watch a lot of BMX videos, even if they are total crap.  The commercial for this video was so unbearable that it was immediately served by the fast forward or mute button.  I think I'd rather listen to a Christmas album composed entirely of Matt Coplon's peg bonks and noises from his bike setup as seen in RideBMX "Parts" than watch this video in its entirety.  Other than that, the idea of a freewheel, freewheel remover, and the task of using said tool to remove said freewheel is about as promising as enjoying Adam Sandler's "Eight Crazy Nights" (which I regrettably received a few Christmas' ago from my mother.)

and the LAST thing any BMXer needs (particularly people who used to order from Dan's Comp) are multiple copies of:

Seriously, these came free with purchases over $20 or something.  If your parents (or anyone for that matter) ordered you bike parts for Christmas, it's going to be a lot more than twenty fucking dollars.  There are probably more Scream 3 CD's from Dan's Comp than free minutes of AOL.  These are not acceptable stocking stuffers, nor is it wise to re-gift them to friends, especially if you want to keep friends.  And trust me, these do not make good frisbees or coasters either.  So keep this shit at the bottom of a landfill, not the bottom of my Christmas tree!

Merry Christmas!

Andy Maguire
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How high was I when i was in 8th grade? About high enough to save up all summer from babysitting to buy myself the newest, freshest bmx bike on the block. That's right folks, we're talkin about the 1997 Fishbone Bad Ass. Complete with frame specific screw on gnarled pegs, Fishbone X-UFO rotor (reverse engineered from extraterrestrials? ill never know) and oversized bars and stem for complete incompatibility with any other bike. Sweet tits. This set me back about 2+ years in terms of riding capabilites, as i tried riding street with an akward flatland bike. Thats what i want for xmas, those 2 years back. Also following in the hairdoo department, I don't want my rat tail haircut back from kindergarten to 3rd grade, and my sometimes dyed black, purple, blue or bleached bowl cut from 4th-10th (no disrespect to Andy)...
-Jeff Murphy

Editor's note: Ironically this is a picture of Murph's current haircut.
you too can own your own fishbone big ass, just get really fucked up before you cast that fishing line and reel in a winner.
http://cgi.ebay.com/LIKE-NOS-Fishbone-Freestyle-BMX-Frame-Fork-More-/230563945688?pt=BMX_Bikes&hash=item35aeae9cd8#ht_735wt_1139
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Dearest SantaSquatch,
I do not want a bike that looks like this in broad day light


Sincerely,
-Chris

ChrisRiesner.tumblr.com

Editor’s note: Chris’s bike is actually a mess of daytime colors already, but he refuses to acknowledge it. Also, the picture of the bmx is decidely stupid, but does that make this any less cool?
The answer is no.
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Dear Velociraptor Jesus,
All I don't want for Christmas is a Morales BTS with Mr Nasty pegs, Kore Candy Bars, and 96-spoke Peregrine wheels. Also, I would not like a copy of Korn's complete discography or a nylon tattoo sleeve.
Thank you,


Chris McMahon
SJBMX
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I don't want any Nike 6.0 multicolored, multi-faceted shoes. I know I'm 25 and by marketing genius standards I'm old and have no idea what I'm talking about, but those shoes are incredibly stinky. Instead, Santa, can you please bring me a pair of Vans that don't get sweaty as fast as the ones I have.

Thanks,
Nick

Holeshot
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Dear sasquatch,    
Well this year for christmas I wouldn't like...another set of these sweet "screw-on" homie haulers like i had at the ripe old age of 14.  Try to grind anything with those, I dare you.  Also, I definitely don't want...this guy at the trails, even though he lives right down the street. Thanks,
Mike

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Dear Sasquatch Santa,
This Christmas I most definitely don't want: a small and/or plastic seat, a "stump"  seat-post, metal bar-ends, most pedals, chain tensioners, any product that contains a skull and cross bones  (Shadow Conspiracy), a wedge style stem, a chain with hollow pins/plates, and most importantly, a pair of Curbrider flow pedals, because the idea of turning my bike into a scooter sounds fucking horrible.

Merry Christmas
Jordan








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There are many things i could live with out in BMX and if i got the following for christmas my mom would get a swift kick in the ass: Daniel Dehrs tailwhips, Mike Spinner, Mosh So Freestyle, and Taj Mihelich turndowns (thank you Brandon York for the inspiration). 
-Happy Holidays
Brandon
Wumpus

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Santasquatch wishes you all Merry BM-Xmas.

2 comments:

jeffrey said...

i have a lot of those things jordan described on my bike :[

Brandon said...

i find it impressive that matt berringer and taj have the same terrible turndown